My Journey Has Begun

Wow. I can't believe this. Tonight. It's 1 o'clock in the morning. I've just spent the past 2 hours on the internet researching and crying. I've never felt the yearn to adopt more strongly than I do tonight. I've researched it before, but somehow tonight everything came together. The past week has felt a little weird for me. My friend told me she is expecting and I found myself a bit jealous. Not of the pregnancy - I have NO jealousy there - but of the welcoming of a new spirit into their home. Then my sister-in-law was called to be the Relief Society President in their ward. I found myself grateful to not be in either of their shoes. I thought, "How lucky and blessed are we that we have nothing major going on in our lives." In the back of my mind was a nagging, pulling feeling. Kind of a "before you jump over the cliff" feeling. I just kept pushing it away, thinking that now was my time to serve those people around me. The Lord must have been making things easy for me so that I could help others. Wow, how true that was, just not in the sense I was taking it. Tonight as I poured over pictures, videos, songs, and words from the families who have taken the steps towards ending poverty for those suffering in it my heart began to feel heavier and heavier until I realized that it's time. I kept thinking I'd do the 3day Breast Cancer Walk, get in great shape, enjoy my family, maybe get pregnant in the following year or two, and then adopt a few years after that. But the more I looked at the faces of children in different lands and read the stories of families in this land who were so blessed by those presences in their homes, the more I realized how selfish I was. This whole time I'd been thinking about me. How I wanted to do the 3Day. How I wanted to get in shape. How much I didn't want to be pregnant again. How much I have been enjoying our little family. Not once did I think about the child out there yearning for a home, a family, a mother. Me. And tonight the Spirit had to practically shout for me to hear it. I just kept thinking about how much I want to do the 3Day. But everytime I had that thought, it would be immediately followed by, "You will have plenty of time. But now is not the time." There is a time and a season for everything. At this season in my life I am ready to find that child. When I try to look at things from the Lord's perspective I am so humbled. I cannot imagine the sadness in His heart as He looks down on his children suffering. Living in a country full of such sickness, poverty, death, and pain. And here I am in my huge house with my three well fed, happy, blessed children thinking about myself and what I want. My child is out there. My child is suffering. My child. I'm ready. It's time. My journey has begun.