Packet

Woohooo!!! We got our packet from AAI!!! I feel so elated because we can begin! We're one step closer to bringing our sweet baby home.

Last night as I laid in bed saying my prayer, I prayed for the mom of our sweet child. It hurts my heart to think of the trials she is about to/is going through. And to think that she might be pregnant with our baby right now is such a weird thought. Weird because it makes me feel excited, but at the same time, so sad. That poor mom will have to separate herself from her child - whether because of poverty or even her own death. I feel so connected to her right now. She is about to give me an amazing gift, but most likely not because she is choosing to. I wish I could tell her that I will take care of this child as my own because he/she will be my own. I promise I will love her child, nourish her child, teach her child, and give her child everything he/she could possibly need. I wish I could placate her worries and help her to understand that this child will be a blessing to us. And I wish I could thank her.

Bursting

Now that we have decided to adopt, I just want to tell the world!!! I feel like I'm pregnant and I just want to tell everyone because this is just such an exciting thing for me. But we agreed together to wait a bit because from the time we started this, to the time we'll actually bring our child home is a long time - usually longer than the average pregnancy. And I would rather wait until we get our referral to tell everyone. I just wish I had someone else to talk about this to. Ian's more of a factual conversationalist and doesn't like to beat a dead horse...so bringing this up with him won't make him as giddy as I feel. Don't get me wrong, he is SOO excited, it's just...I don't know, not the same I guess. I really want to tell Ian's mom because his parents adopted from Ethiopia almost a year ago and they've gone through this whole process. I have so many questions and want to hear her opinion on things because I respect her so much. But at the same time, I don't really want to announce it to the world yet, because I know we will hit a lot of resistance. I know people will think we're crazy adopting a child from a strange land while we still have young children at home. Plus, it's expensive and right now we're not in the best financial situation - owning two houses with the market being as awful as it is. But our situation is 500 times better than so many people in other countries. We have been so blessed! It's embarrassing to me that we are living in such abundance, while others are happily living with so much less. And here I am, complaining about the price of gas, or my California house depreciating. I feel like bringing a child out of poverty and into my home is really just making a tiny tiny dent in the problems. But, hopefully, to that one child it will be the world. And hopefully everything will work out for the better.

YES!!!

On the day after my previous post, I told Ian about my spiritual confirmation of our need to bring a child into our home. He was surprised and what seemed to be rather doubtful. I don't think he doubted my spiritual intuitiveness(is that a word??), it think it just sounded unreasonable and a bit crazy. Once I went through my thoughts with him and showed him the research I had found on how I thought we could afford this, he asked if I was ready for another child, why didn't we just get pregnant again? So I explained how I had had the same thought, but after my terrible discomfort at the end of David's pregnancy(gross understatement) combined with my unhealing plantar fasciitis - I didn't think it would physically be a great idea for me to get pregnant. I need to work on getting my body stronger and my feet healed. I actually need to make an appointment for some physical therapy. And I'm still so young! There are plenty of women in the world who aren't even close to having their first child by the age of 26...I think I'll have plenty of time to get pregnant again. Anyway, he still seemed to have some reservations which would lead me to doubt myself...until I remembered the undeniable experience I had had. So I asked him to pray about it and let me know when he received his answer. After a week and a half, he finally had his answer. When we came home from church today I walked in the kitchen. He leaned against the stove and said, "We can adopt." I literally got butterflies in my tummy. How silly! And exciting!! I feel like it's Christmas or something, I'm so giddy. So I sent an email off to Michelle at Adoption Advocates International, the organization that runs Layla House - where my brother and sister in law: Miki and Tuni are from. It's been an hour and no response...I wish she would hurry! (kidding...kinda)

My Journey Has Begun

Wow. I can't believe this. Tonight. It's 1 o'clock in the morning. I've just spent the past 2 hours on the internet researching and crying. I've never felt the yearn to adopt more strongly than I do tonight. I've researched it before, but somehow tonight everything came together. The past week has felt a little weird for me. My friend told me she is expecting and I found myself a bit jealous. Not of the pregnancy - I have NO jealousy there - but of the welcoming of a new spirit into their home. Then my sister-in-law was called to be the Relief Society President in their ward. I found myself grateful to not be in either of their shoes. I thought, "How lucky and blessed are we that we have nothing major going on in our lives." In the back of my mind was a nagging, pulling feeling. Kind of a "before you jump over the cliff" feeling. I just kept pushing it away, thinking that now was my time to serve those people around me. The Lord must have been making things easy for me so that I could help others. Wow, how true that was, just not in the sense I was taking it. Tonight as I poured over pictures, videos, songs, and words from the families who have taken the steps towards ending poverty for those suffering in it my heart began to feel heavier and heavier until I realized that it's time. I kept thinking I'd do the 3day Breast Cancer Walk, get in great shape, enjoy my family, maybe get pregnant in the following year or two, and then adopt a few years after that. But the more I looked at the faces of children in different lands and read the stories of families in this land who were so blessed by those presences in their homes, the more I realized how selfish I was. This whole time I'd been thinking about me. How I wanted to do the 3Day. How I wanted to get in shape. How much I didn't want to be pregnant again. How much I have been enjoying our little family. Not once did I think about the child out there yearning for a home, a family, a mother. Me. And tonight the Spirit had to practically shout for me to hear it. I just kept thinking about how much I want to do the 3Day. But everytime I had that thought, it would be immediately followed by, "You will have plenty of time. But now is not the time." There is a time and a season for everything. At this season in my life I am ready to find that child. When I try to look at things from the Lord's perspective I am so humbled. I cannot imagine the sadness in His heart as He looks down on his children suffering. Living in a country full of such sickness, poverty, death, and pain. And here I am in my huge house with my three well fed, happy, blessed children thinking about myself and what I want. My child is out there. My child is suffering. My child. I'm ready. It's time. My journey has begun.